Unadulterated SelfLoathing
by mercurybard
Summary: AU after Bag Em. The thing Max loathes the most is the periodic loss of control that Manticore hardwired into her.


Disclaimer: I don't own _Dark Angel_. This is written just for entertainment purposes.

Nota Bene: Set in an AU after "Bag Em" (follows my "To Honor Them" drabble, if anybody cares) where Max ended up keeping the five kids. Written for the monthly fic contest at the Jam Pony lj community. I'm playing fast and loose with the prompt though.

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"Bullet, Zero, get out of here!" Max snarled, gripping the edge of the counter until splinters curled up under her nails. She waited to hear the shuffle of boots on the concrete floor, the slam of the front door, letting her know it was safe to let go. But the room stayed remarkably still. Her enhanced hearing picked up the sound of the two teenage boys breathing. She dared to look up. Both of them were standing at parade rest, right on the other side of the counter. Close enough to smell Bullet's sweat mixed with the spicy scent of his deodorant. Close enough to see just how sky blue Zero's eyes were. Just how full his lips were.

Why, oh, why did Manticore have to make the X-series so pretty?

"Get out!" she shrieked. Her grip on the counter tightened as did other parts of her, farther south. "Take Bugler. Go to Logan's." Max sank down to her heels, still clinging to the countertop. "That's an order, soldiers!"

They went, and she breathed a shaky sigh of relief as the door closed behind them. There was something to be said for a military education after all. God, she couldn't believe herself—looking at the boys like that.

"Max, what's wrong?" The question was tentative.

She raised her head to find Fix-It standing in the doorway to the living room. She'd completely forgotten the girl was still here—Ralph had gone with Original Cindy to get food from the market. Slowly, Max let go of the counter and turned her back to it. There were wood shavings driven up under her nails, and most were bleeding. _Think of the little things_, she told herself as she began to pick the splinters out. "I'm in heat," she explained. "An annoying little side effect of having feline DNA in my cocktail. I don't suppose they fixed that by the time they got to the X6s?" It shouldn't have been this bad. Yes, she was like two months overdo for it (they'd probably messed with her during her time back at Manticore), but the effects shouldn't have come on so suddenly or so strong. One minute she'd just been doing the dishes; the next, the boys walk in and BAM!

"I've never heard of it," Fix-It said after a moment.

Max slowly unfolded herself. "Yeah. Ok. Good to know. If you need me, find someone else. I'm going to be taking a cold, cold shower."

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An hour later, she was curled up on the floor of the shower stall, knees pulled up to her chest, shivering as icy water sluiced over her. As long as she stayed in here, she was safe. She couldn't do anything that would make her hate herself when all this passed. Not like every other time she'd gone into heat.

Of all the things Manticore had done to her, this was the one she hated the most. The heat made her weak, made her lose control. What good was a supersoldier that lost it totally once every three or four months? Even the seizures weren't so bad, compared to this. This was like being in the backseat of a car, watching as it collided head-on with a wall.

Except the car was her body, and her hormones had no business being in the driver's seat.

Faintly, she heard the front door open over the pattering of the water on tile. Good, Original Cindy and Ralph were home. O.C. would be all about her doing the push-ups if she looked like she was going to go rushing out to find something to screw.

"Max?"

Definitely not Original Cindy's voice. Just the sound of it made her skin prickle and a rush of warmth race through her. "Go away, Alec!" What the hell was he doing here anyway? Of all the times for him to decide to just drop in for a little visit…

Footsteps. Coming through the living area and stopping right at the doorway to the bathroom. "Bullet called me—said you were sick or something… Jesus, what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing! Just go away!"

Unlike Bullet and Zero and the rest of the kids, Alec was not a good soldier. Or, at least, he didn't think he had to take orders from her. Instead, he shoved aside the shower curtain and gazed down at her.

_Hide_, some small part of Max's brain ordered, but it got overruled immediately. He smelled good. Really good. Her nostrils flared a little as she took in his scent. He'd ridden his bike over—must have been at Jam Pony when Bullet called—and the scent of the city still clung to him, faintly masking the odor of sweat. She'd never thought someone could sweat pretty, but Alec could apparently.

Max made a noise, deep in her throat, as his customary smirk vanished. Crouching down, he reached out a hand and gently brushed it down her bare arm, shredding her last bit of self-control.

-----

When the heat finally passed, she found herself on the floor of the living room. Alec lay within arm's reach, sound asleep. At some point, they'd managed to yank down the tulle that hid Original Cindy's sleeping nook from the rest of the room, and it thankfully was twisted around his lower body, hiding parts of him that Max didn't really want to see right now.

With a groan, she peeled herself off the concrete and started in the direction of the bathroom. She needed another shower. A warm one to try and get some of this post-sex grossness off of her. Not that it would make her feel clean. She could scrub all her skin off and still feel the shame.

"Max…"

Damn, he was awake. She kept walking, pretending like she hadn't heard him and wishing she'd been the one to roll up in the tulle. That way she wouldn't feel so exposed right now.

She almost made it to the bathroom before he blurred to catch up with her. One hand went to her shoulder. If the little scratch of fabric across her butt was anything to go by, the other was being used to hold up Original Cindy's curtain. "Max," he repeated.

"I don't want to talk about it. Get out."

He snorted. "That's what I keep hearing you say, but what you do says something completely different."

"I was in heat, Alec—one of those joyful little bonuses that comes from being transgenic. I don't have a whole hell of a lot of control over what I do."

"And you think I just took advantage of the situation." His voice was tight, like he was gritting his teeth. "You're not the only one with built-in animal instinct, you know. You go into heat, and you start putting off pheromones that make you pretty damn hard to resist."

That made her turn and look at him, folding her arms over her breasts to hide a bit of her nakedness. Even though he'd seen the whole show just a scant half hour before. To his credit, his eyes only briefly flicked to her chest before settling on her face. "Explain."

"If you had stayed at Manticore, they would have put you on drugs to suppress…this. The girls got them in their morning vitamin mix. The only reason we guys knew about it was because one of female X5s was on a deep cover mission and ran out of vitamins before completing her assignment. All the guys started fighting over her the day she got back." The memory brought a smirk to his face that she wanted to wipe away with her fist.

Her hand actually started to curl into one, and he must have seen it out of the corner of his eye because the smile vanished as he caught her wrist in his hand. "You actually hate yourself for this, don't you?"

Max had to drop her eyes then. When had stupid, loud-mouthed Alec gotten so smart? She started to pull away, but he yanked on her wrist, forcing her back around, then lowering his face to hers. Their teeth clicked as he smashed their lips together. It was as rude and violent a kiss as the one she had greeted him in the shower with. Her mouth felt bruised from earlier, and she whimpered a little in protest, trying to pull away. His other hand snaked around and twined through her hair, trapping her mouth against his.

Then, the kiss softened. Slowly changing from brutal and animal to something sweet and almost chaste.

Alec broke the kiss suddenly, dropped his hands, stepped back. "We can't change who we are, but we don't have to loathe ourselves for being this way."


End file.
